Common Myths of St. Patrick's Day
Myth: Shamrocks are associated with the holiday because St. Patrick used them as a teaching tool for the pagan Celts he converted to Christianity. The Shamrock's 3 leaves symbolize the holy Trinity.
Reality: Shamrocks were just the first things Patrick saw when he woke up face down in a field after a particularly bad bender.
shamrock Myth: Leprechauns are famous for their little Lucky Charms.
Reality: A man’s height is not a reliable indicator of the size of his Lucky Charms.
shamrock Myth: "Luck of the Irish" refers to the abundance of Good Fortune long enjoyed by the Irish.
Reality: Good Fortune has included 1,000 years of invasion, colonization, exploitation, starvation and mass emigration. Then there was the "Gangs of New York" and as a final insult: those Colin Farrell sex tapes and the mere existence of Rosie O'Donnell.
shamrock Myth: Saint Patrick's name was Saint Patrick.
Reality: His real name was actually Maewyn Succat. He adopted Saint Patrick as his stage name when he began touring Ireland as a magician famous for his disappearing snake trick.
shamrock Myth: Kissing the Blarney Stone, located in County Cork, will grant you the ability to speak sweetly and persuasively.
Reality: Imagine the bored teenagers growing up in County Cork. Now can you not imagine that the Blarney Stone being the most pissed upon tourist attraction in Europe?
shamrock Myth: St. Patrick's Day is a traditional holiday to celebrate great friends and great food. The customary Irish family meal is a Quarter-pounder with a large Coke and potato fries. St. Patrick: "I'm lovin' it!"
Reality: This Myth was sponsored by McDonalds.
shamrock Myth: The Irish are the world's most poetic people
Reality: Limericks are to Poetry, as Paris Hilton is to Acting. In fact, the National Poet Laureate of Ireland has been named and it's...that Man from Nantucket.
shamrock Myth: St. Patrick's Day is a lot of fun with parades and games and merriment.
Reality: It's not just an innocent holiday. Think about this: if you rearrange the letters of SAINT PATRICK'S DAY... it spells out SATANIC KIDS PARTY! This would explain the perverted behavior of the Catholic Church.
shamrock Myth: When St. Patrick died on March 17, 460 A.D., his jawbone was preserved in a silver shrine and used to cure epilepsy, ease childbirth and defend against "evil eye".
Reality: St. Patrick’s jawbone is indeed the “Swiss Army Knife” of healing. While it may not exactly cure epilepsy, it has been shown to reduce dandruff and fight tooth decay!
shamrock Myth: St Patrick cleansed the snakes out of Ireland by driving them into the sea.
Reality: That story is a 100% fiction. The truth is that St. Patrick played his flute to lure all the rats out of the town and into the river.
shamrock Myth: Many young women think St. Patrick’s Day is a time to get drunk and experiment by kissing another girl in public.
Reality: According to St. Patrick, your actions will have you banished into a Lesbian Hell!
NOTE: Guys who make it into Heaven are allowed to visit Lesbian Hell to watch.
shamrock Myth: Green is the official color of St. Patrick's Day because it's the color of spring, shamrocks and fertility.
Reality: The official color is flashing red and blue as the officer writes out your DUI.
shamrock Myth: The Irish are constantly inebriated.
Reality: That's an ugly falsehood. Most are far too impoverished to purchase even the bargain whiskey they so desperately crave.
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